Self esteem and Self awareness

I am doing another posting on this topic because edward commented that my blog is full of my life's philosophy which he found boring and suggested that i write something personal. Ha ha..well most of my opinions on these topics are based on personal experiences or are from what i learnt from watching others and reading self improvement books.

Do i have a high self esteem? i guess i can further improve on this aspect because i am still trying to fully understand myself and one needs to have high self awareness to have a high self esteem. I read lots of self improvement books and take countless personality tests but i still find that i still do not really understand myself. Personality tests tend to generalize people. They put the whole human race into different personality groups which one would be stuck with for your entire life. However, if everyone is unique, how can we have the exact same personality as others? But then again, this thought of individuality can be scary. In life, we always try to conform and fit in. People who are different are usually shunned and feared. Although everyone talk about embracing individuality and uniqueness, not conforming to society's standards and expectations can be problematic. After all, we are interdependent on others, no man is an island. So as we are courageous enough to be different and embrace our own uniqueness, we must bear in mind the unwritten rules of society like social etiquette and expectations. Life is a balancing act and I hope that I would one day find my unique place in this world.

I have a very complex personality. Friends tell me that i think too deep whenever I ask them questions like "what is your purpose in life?" they would say " Why do we need a purpose?" I am always searching for the meaning of life. We go through the motions of life everyday but i wonder if it is all worthwhile in the end. All the goals we are pursuing, be it academic or career, it is never ending. I feel that many people lead a very superficial life. they chase after material goods thinking that it would bring them happiness. Many people want a big house, an expensive car, conduminium..(the 5 cs) as they feel that it reflects how successful they are in life. Does all this really represent success? Why are we using these to measure sucess? Are we truly happy? I do not really like shopping. I find it quite meaningless. Soft toys collect dust, decorative items fall of the cabinet and break, you might get robbed wearing expensive jewellery..ha ha am i crazy or what?

My parents have very high expectations of me. even if i got an A for a test, they would still think that it is not good enough because i should be getting top in class. This is really demoralising, frustrating and exhausting. I could never just be myseIf but have to be what my parents want be to be. My self confidence used to fluctuate according to my successes and failures. However, i later realise that my self confidence should come from within, a trust in myself to overcome any obstacles that come my way and a faith that things would turn out fine in the end. I have also learnt to manage my parents' expectations. I tell myself that as long as i did my best, i should not feel upset if i did not meet their expectations and not allow it to affect my self esteem. I am good enough .

Having a high self esteem is important when it comes to love. I realise that the underlying cause of many relationship problems is due to low self esteem. A person who has a low self esteem would not leave an abusive partner. They feel that they cannot do without their partner, they feel insecure alone, hence put up with their partner's abusive behaviour to remain in the unhealthy relationship.

A person with a low self esteem hopes that their partner can make them complete, fulfill their dreams. this is too much a burden on his partner. It will drain the partner and exhaust the relationship. If you go into a relationship without a good self esteem, you will be dependent on your partner to help you feel good about yourself. If we felt empty before they appeared in our lives, we fear the emptiness returning if they leave, so their staying with us becomes important. That dependency can create all kinds of fear and unhappiness.

I have a friend who had a very possesive boyfriend. He would always be checking on her and thinking that she would one day lose interest in him and leave him. A person with a low self esteem thinks that he is not good enough for his partner and that he is lucky to be with her. This creates unncessary fear and anxiety in a relationship.