Listening

Why do we not listen?

- we prefer to talk
- we want to be the centre of attention
- we want to feel in control
- we want to achieve our goals- we are distracted
- we are not interested

Why should we listen?

People who listen are trusted more. They are seen as more cooperative and capable and hence their credibility will increase.Listening shows that you respect and value the other person hence people who listen are more appreciated. Moreover, you can obtain useful information which you can use in future by listening

The Three Listening Styles

1) Competitive Listening - happens when we are more interested in promoting our own point of view than in understanding the other party's point of view. We listen for weak points we can attack.

2) Passive Listening - we are genuinely interested in understanding the other party's point of view. We assume that what we hear is correct. we stay passive and do not verify it.

3) Active Listening - (optimal) we are genuinely interested in understanding what the other person is thinking (from the other party's perspective) , feeling, wanting or what the underlying message (in emotions/ body language) is, and we are active in checking out our understanding before we respond with our own new message. We reflect our understanding of their message back to the sender for verification

Our actions are based on our understanding. If there is a misunderstanding, we would end up carrying out actions which are inapproriate in resolving a conflict.

Active listening can prevent misunderstanding from occuring because our understanding is communicated and verified for accuracy.

other benefits of active listening:

- Sometimes a person just needs to be acknowledged before the person is willing to consider an alternative or soften his position.

- a person will be more willing to listen and consider the other party's postition when that person knows the other party is listening and considering his position.

- It helps people to spot the flaws in their reasoning when it is repeated back to them without criticism

- It helps identify areas of agreement so the areas of disagreement becomes less significant

- we can discover flaws in our position if we accurately understand the other party's view

- It promotes open and honest communication whereby underlying motives and differences can be addressed and resolved

There are a number of factors that affect listening (distractions):

Sensory factors

- sights
- moving objects
- sound
- noisy room
- smell
- Temperature - too hot/cold/humid
- Physical comfort - seating

Physiological factors

- Discomfort
- pain
- illnesses
- fatigue
- stress

The world now is fast paced and ever changing. Time is precious and we make quick responses when communicating. This makes it dfficult to truly listen and to be truly heard. Not listening results in misunderstandings and conflicts which strain relationships. In other cases, when one is not listened to, they do not feel valued and hence stop expressing themselves. Without interaction, bond between people cannot be created and the relationship would gradually turn stale. This is why we often hear of parent-child relationship problems and divorces.

Listening demonstrates unconditional love. In relationships with those we love, we want to be able to share our doubts, fears, mistakes, dreams, passions, beliefs, values and inner motivations. We long for security, to be accepted and reassured hence we need to be confident that we will be truly heard, not judged, blamed, advised, or critivised. Listening provides comfort, support, recognition, an intimate bond, and clarifies ones' thoughts and emotions. Listening is a precious gift of valuing and accepting a person's uniqueness that we should always give to people around us.

I like listening. It is probably because I am always interested in what people are thinking, and by this i mean the underlying feelings and motives. i take much notice of what a person does, the way he moves, his facial expression, even subtle changes in the tone of his voice to draw an understanding of what he is feeling and why. This mind reading can create many problems because i would sometimes misinterpret a person's actions causing unncessary stress and unhappiness. So it is best to just ask the person directly. As i have learnt from "active listening", verifying your understanding is crucial to prevent further misunderstandings.