Anger is a strong feeling of displeasure or hostility. It undermines a person’s life because it results in unneccessary
unhapiness and frustration.
People who get angry easily have a low tolerance for annoyance. They feel that everything should go their way, work out as planned hence whenever they meet which situation which subject them to inconvenience, they blow
up.
I feel that the main problem of people who get angry easily is that have high or rather a lot expectations. they expect their friends to be nice to them, they expect their loved ones to be more caring, more understanding, they expect the toilet at work to be clean, the bus to be punctual, etc...and whenever anything does not meet their expectations, they get annoyed and
angry. Disappointment is part of life. i feel that people should learn to accept life as it is and the people around them for who they are. we cannot change others, but we can learn to control our emotions. Why let others affect us so much? Why let them determine how happy we can be?
In reality, most of our emotional problems are nothing more than a failure to accept things. For example , relationship problems arise because we do not accept and love our partner for who they are. We force our partner to be not who they are but an image of who we think they should be. This will result in conflicts and hence strain a relationship. To solve this problem is not to change our partner into what we like him to be but to accept him fully, including his flaws. Let go of judging him, stop the blaming and criticising. We have our own weaknesses too. So why be so harsh on the
people around u?
You might now be thinking...how can one not have any expectations? If we do not have expectations, how are we going to improve? Are u saying that teachers should not expect students to behave? That's ridiculous?! Well, i am not saying that we should not have expectations. We should. People usually rise to expectations. However we should bear in mind that our
expectations may not be met. If we have tried our best but still fail to get the result we expected, we should just let go and accept it as part of life, as a learning experience and not get depressed and unhappy over it.
All things can be looked at in a different angle. Something that seems bad may turn out to be a blessing in disguise. eg. you are infuriated by a group member who always turn up late for meetings. It may seem to be all negative, but in fact, u can get something good out of this incident. You learn that not being punctual is irresponsible and can cause inconvenience for your group members hence tell yourself that you would not make the same mistake and become a better person due to this incident.
You may think...how can one not be angry if a person has wronged u, betrayed u or has done things which hurt u?
Eg, a friend who lied to u and betrayed your trust. He might have met people who have hurt him badly and hence grow up to not trust anyone in this world and hence do the same bad things to everyone he meets.
I personally do not hate such people. In fact i feel sorry for them. People who do not have the capacity to love and trust also do not love and trust themselves.
They must have had some traumatic experience or grew up in a family devoid of love and kindness which sadly corrupted his once
innocent mind.
I believe that everyone in this world is basically good people who do not want to cause harm. Think of a baby. He is innocent and pure. I guess the circumstances make a person.
Past experiences leave strong impressions for the future. A person's actions and behaviour is subconsicously related to his past. He did not mean any harm. He probably would not have done those things if he knew of a better way.
So whenever someone had erred u, before u get angry, dig deeper and seek
the reasons for his behaviour. If we take a closer look, we will realise that we cannot blame him for doing such things. We might even have done the same things if we were in his shoes. Understand and forgive the people around you. Repay evil with kindness and we can make this world a better place to live in.
Having said that past experience and circumstances have a bearing on your actions and an impact your anger threshold, we
can conclude that family upbringing is an important factor in a person's ability to manage anger. People who cannot control their anger very often have parents who resorted to violence or anger when trying to discipline them hence giving the child an impression that getting angry is perfectly fine, it is the best way to get results hence grow up to become very hot tempered adults. (This is another reason why we should not blame people who cannot control their anger).
Some people feel that there is no need to control your anger. You should just let it all hang out and not bottle up your feelings
and emotions. I disagree with such thinking because anger actually escalates anger and agression and does nothing to resolve the situation. When one person starts raising his voice at another person, the victim whose ego has been bruised would immediately get into a defensive mode and raise his voice to counter the angry person. this will escalate into a huge argument and cause resentment in the parites involved. We should always try to control our anger because such outburst may ruin a relationship forever. It would be much harder to resolve a disagreement when the situation had already turned so ugly and people will never forget your anger outburst hence affecting your reputation.
Getting angry is pointless. It does not resolve the problem. Whenever there is a disagreement or conflict. Immediately stop the blaming or criticising. Move forward and think of how to solve the problem. What is done cannot be undone. Save your energy to find the best way to compromise instead.
So how can one manage his anger?
1) Breathe deeply
2) repeat calm words such as "relax", "take it easy"
3)Do not jump to conclusions or make assumptions without evidence (they are often inaccurate)
4) Slow down and listen to what the other party has to say, see things from their point of view, dig deep and seek the real
reason for their actions
5) Realise that no one is perfect and everyone makes mistakes
6)accept the person as who he is
7) Do not exaggerate a person's bad qualities. focus on his good points
8) Realise that getting angry is not constructive ( it will not solve the problem but only create tension )
9) remind yourself the disadavantages of getting angry
Sunday, June 24, 2007
Listening
Why do we not listen?
- we prefer to talk
- we want to be the centre of attention
- we want to feel in control
- we want to achieve our goals- we are distracted
- we are not interested
Why should we listen?
People who listen are trusted more. They are seen as more cooperative and capable and hence their credibility will increase.Listening shows that you respect and value the other person hence people who listen are more appreciated. Moreover, you can obtain useful information which you can use in future by listening
The Three Listening Styles
1) Competitive Listening - happens when we are more interested in promoting our own point of view than in understanding the other party's point of view. We listen for weak points we can attack.
2) Passive Listening - we are genuinely interested in understanding the other party's point of view. We assume that what we hear is correct. we stay passive and do not verify it.
3) Active Listening - (optimal) we are genuinely interested in understanding what the other person is thinking (from the other party's perspective) , feeling, wanting or what the underlying message (in emotions/ body language) is, and we are active in checking out our understanding before we respond with our own new message. We reflect our understanding of their message back to the sender for verification
Our actions are based on our understanding. If there is a misunderstanding, we would end up carrying out actions which are inapproriate in resolving a conflict.
Active listening can prevent misunderstanding from occuring because our understanding is communicated and verified for accuracy.
other benefits of active listening:
- Sometimes a person just needs to be acknowledged before the person is willing to consider an alternative or soften his position.
- a person will be more willing to listen and consider the other party's postition when that person knows the other party is listening and considering his position.
- It helps people to spot the flaws in their reasoning when it is repeated back to them without criticism
- It helps identify areas of agreement so the areas of disagreement becomes less significant
- we can discover flaws in our position if we accurately understand the other party's view
- It promotes open and honest communication whereby underlying motives and differences can be addressed and resolved
There are a number of factors that affect listening (distractions):
Sensory factors
- sights
- moving objects
- sound
- noisy room
- smell
- Temperature - too hot/cold/humid
- Physical comfort - seating
Physiological factors
- Discomfort
- pain
- illnesses
- fatigue
- stress
The world now is fast paced and ever changing. Time is precious and we make quick responses when communicating. This makes it dfficult to truly listen and to be truly heard. Not listening results in misunderstandings and conflicts which strain relationships. In other cases, when one is not listened to, they do not feel valued and hence stop expressing themselves. Without interaction, bond between people cannot be created and the relationship would gradually turn stale. This is why we often hear of parent-child relationship problems and divorces.
Listening demonstrates unconditional love. In relationships with those we love, we want to be able to share our doubts, fears, mistakes, dreams, passions, beliefs, values and inner motivations. We long for security, to be accepted and reassured hence we need to be confident that we will be truly heard, not judged, blamed, advised, or critivised. Listening provides comfort, support, recognition, an intimate bond, and clarifies ones' thoughts and emotions. Listening is a precious gift of valuing and accepting a person's uniqueness that we should always give to people around us.
I like listening. It is probably because I am always interested in what people are thinking, and by this i mean the underlying feelings and motives. i take much notice of what a person does, the way he moves, his facial expression, even subtle changes in the tone of his voice to draw an understanding of what he is feeling and why. This mind reading can create many problems because i would sometimes misinterpret a person's actions causing unncessary stress and unhappiness. So it is best to just ask the person directly. As i have learnt from "active listening", verifying your understanding is crucial to prevent further misunderstandings.
- we prefer to talk
- we want to be the centre of attention
- we want to feel in control
- we want to achieve our goals- we are distracted
- we are not interested
Why should we listen?
People who listen are trusted more. They are seen as more cooperative and capable and hence their credibility will increase.Listening shows that you respect and value the other person hence people who listen are more appreciated. Moreover, you can obtain useful information which you can use in future by listening
The Three Listening Styles
1) Competitive Listening - happens when we are more interested in promoting our own point of view than in understanding the other party's point of view. We listen for weak points we can attack.
2) Passive Listening - we are genuinely interested in understanding the other party's point of view. We assume that what we hear is correct. we stay passive and do not verify it.
3) Active Listening - (optimal) we are genuinely interested in understanding what the other person is thinking (from the other party's perspective) , feeling, wanting or what the underlying message (in emotions/ body language) is, and we are active in checking out our understanding before we respond with our own new message. We reflect our understanding of their message back to the sender for verification
Our actions are based on our understanding. If there is a misunderstanding, we would end up carrying out actions which are inapproriate in resolving a conflict.
Active listening can prevent misunderstanding from occuring because our understanding is communicated and verified for accuracy.
other benefits of active listening:
- Sometimes a person just needs to be acknowledged before the person is willing to consider an alternative or soften his position.
- a person will be more willing to listen and consider the other party's postition when that person knows the other party is listening and considering his position.
- It helps people to spot the flaws in their reasoning when it is repeated back to them without criticism
- It helps identify areas of agreement so the areas of disagreement becomes less significant
- we can discover flaws in our position if we accurately understand the other party's view
- It promotes open and honest communication whereby underlying motives and differences can be addressed and resolved
There are a number of factors that affect listening (distractions):
Sensory factors
- sights
- moving objects
- sound
- noisy room
- smell
- Temperature - too hot/cold/humid
- Physical comfort - seating
Physiological factors
- Discomfort
- pain
- illnesses
- fatigue
- stress
The world now is fast paced and ever changing. Time is precious and we make quick responses when communicating. This makes it dfficult to truly listen and to be truly heard. Not listening results in misunderstandings and conflicts which strain relationships. In other cases, when one is not listened to, they do not feel valued and hence stop expressing themselves. Without interaction, bond between people cannot be created and the relationship would gradually turn stale. This is why we often hear of parent-child relationship problems and divorces.
Listening demonstrates unconditional love. In relationships with those we love, we want to be able to share our doubts, fears, mistakes, dreams, passions, beliefs, values and inner motivations. We long for security, to be accepted and reassured hence we need to be confident that we will be truly heard, not judged, blamed, advised, or critivised. Listening provides comfort, support, recognition, an intimate bond, and clarifies ones' thoughts and emotions. Listening is a precious gift of valuing and accepting a person's uniqueness that we should always give to people around us.
I like listening. It is probably because I am always interested in what people are thinking, and by this i mean the underlying feelings and motives. i take much notice of what a person does, the way he moves, his facial expression, even subtle changes in the tone of his voice to draw an understanding of what he is feeling and why. This mind reading can create many problems because i would sometimes misinterpret a person's actions causing unncessary stress and unhappiness. So it is best to just ask the person directly. As i have learnt from "active listening", verifying your understanding is crucial to prevent further misunderstandings.
Managing Conflict
There are four levels of conflict:
Level 1: Facts or Data - occurs when parties have different information. Easiest kind of conflict to resolve. To resolve conflict , make sure that parties have similar information.
Level 2: Processes or Methods - occurs when there is a difference of opinion over how things should be done.
Level 3: Goals or Purpose - parties cannot agree on a common goal. Patience and skill is required when negoatiating at this level.
Level 4: Values - parties disagree about basic meanings. Most serious conflict. Very difficult to resolve.
We can choose suitable responses to conflict after defining the level of conflict.
people tend to avoid managing conflict because most people see conflict as a problem. They feel uneasy when there is disagreement. avoiding conflict does not remove the problem it instead causes more unhappiness. Not all conflict is bad. One good reason to engage in a conflict is to reach a resolution. hence we must always make sure that we engage in conflict to resolve a problem rather then to win, gain power or to stir up negative feelings.
There are many ways one can respond to a conflict:
Withdraw: Avoid the conflict by pretending that it does not exist eg, shutting down. It requires no courage and consideration for your partner
Give In: Allow the other to have his/her way. Requires high cooperation and low courage. accomodator becomes resentful of other party over time
Stand Your Ground: Compete with the other party and ensure that you win the argument.Competitive approach (yield quick results but damage relationships) requires courage but little consideration
Compromise: Find a middle ground in which you both give up some ground to allow both parties to be partially satisfied. Negotiate and give in on small points in other to win the bigger battle. Requires both courage and consideration.
Collaborate: Talk and listen to the other party. Discuss and clarify your goals and areas of agreement. Ensure that other parties understand and acknowledge each other's positions. Consider ways to resolve the problem without any concessions. Think "outside the box." Collaboration requires great courage as well as much consideration. Collaborators are interpersonally intelligent and are well respected
We should always strive to resolve conflict by collaboration so that all parties are truly satisfied.
Active listening is a valuable skill in for resolving conflicts. What is active listening? Active listening is repeating, in your own words, what the other party has said to check whether your understanding is correct. It shows thas that you acknowledges the other party's feelings and that you are interested and concerned.
It helps in resolving conflicts because the other party feels good and respected when you make a sincere effort to understand what they are thinking and feeling. In many instances, all an angry person needs is some form of acknowledgement or someone who is willing to listen to them and understand them to cool down. Moreover, repeating what you have heard helps check whether your understanding is correct and hence prevent further misunderstandings.
Tips for resolving conflicts:
1) Do not get personal - this means treating the other party with respect. Avoid name calling, unfair judgements or assumptions. Give attention to the issues at hand. Seek to understand other party's perceptions, fears or desires
2) Brainstorm for alternative ideas to solve problem - Each party makes suggestions which are evalutated
3) Agree beforehand on a fair way to resolve a conflict. eg. coin toss. Parties more likely to agree on end result
If all else fails and a conflict results in a heated argument, here are some tips to reduce the tension:
1) soften your tone
2) walk away and cool down ( breathe deeply, count to ten)
3) Acknowledge the other party's point of view (u do not have to agree but everyone is entitled to their own thoughts and feelings) say " i understand how you feel"
4) Do not use hostile body language ( crossing arms, tapping foot, rolling eyes etc..)
5) Do not make genralities (eg. " you are always late")
I really dislike conflicts hence would always give in or avoid it totally for the sake of peace. However i have learnt that not all conflicts are bad. Most conflicts if properly resolved are "win-win situations". Giving in if i do not really want to would only create resentment. Hence i feel that we should always be honest and open in all relationships. Bring all your issues to the table so that it can be resolved.
Level 1: Facts or Data - occurs when parties have different information. Easiest kind of conflict to resolve. To resolve conflict , make sure that parties have similar information.
Level 2: Processes or Methods - occurs when there is a difference of opinion over how things should be done.
Level 3: Goals or Purpose - parties cannot agree on a common goal. Patience and skill is required when negoatiating at this level.
Level 4: Values - parties disagree about basic meanings. Most serious conflict. Very difficult to resolve.
We can choose suitable responses to conflict after defining the level of conflict.
people tend to avoid managing conflict because most people see conflict as a problem. They feel uneasy when there is disagreement. avoiding conflict does not remove the problem it instead causes more unhappiness. Not all conflict is bad. One good reason to engage in a conflict is to reach a resolution. hence we must always make sure that we engage in conflict to resolve a problem rather then to win, gain power or to stir up negative feelings.
There are many ways one can respond to a conflict:
Withdraw: Avoid the conflict by pretending that it does not exist eg, shutting down. It requires no courage and consideration for your partner
Give In: Allow the other to have his/her way. Requires high cooperation and low courage. accomodator becomes resentful of other party over time
Stand Your Ground: Compete with the other party and ensure that you win the argument.Competitive approach (yield quick results but damage relationships) requires courage but little consideration
Compromise: Find a middle ground in which you both give up some ground to allow both parties to be partially satisfied. Negotiate and give in on small points in other to win the bigger battle. Requires both courage and consideration.
Collaborate: Talk and listen to the other party. Discuss and clarify your goals and areas of agreement. Ensure that other parties understand and acknowledge each other's positions. Consider ways to resolve the problem without any concessions. Think "outside the box." Collaboration requires great courage as well as much consideration. Collaborators are interpersonally intelligent and are well respected
We should always strive to resolve conflict by collaboration so that all parties are truly satisfied.
Active listening is a valuable skill in for resolving conflicts. What is active listening? Active listening is repeating, in your own words, what the other party has said to check whether your understanding is correct. It shows thas that you acknowledges the other party's feelings and that you are interested and concerned.
It helps in resolving conflicts because the other party feels good and respected when you make a sincere effort to understand what they are thinking and feeling. In many instances, all an angry person needs is some form of acknowledgement or someone who is willing to listen to them and understand them to cool down. Moreover, repeating what you have heard helps check whether your understanding is correct and hence prevent further misunderstandings.
Tips for resolving conflicts:
1) Do not get personal - this means treating the other party with respect. Avoid name calling, unfair judgements or assumptions. Give attention to the issues at hand. Seek to understand other party's perceptions, fears or desires
2) Brainstorm for alternative ideas to solve problem - Each party makes suggestions which are evalutated
3) Agree beforehand on a fair way to resolve a conflict. eg. coin toss. Parties more likely to agree on end result
If all else fails and a conflict results in a heated argument, here are some tips to reduce the tension:
1) soften your tone
2) walk away and cool down ( breathe deeply, count to ten)
3) Acknowledge the other party's point of view (u do not have to agree but everyone is entitled to their own thoughts and feelings) say " i understand how you feel"
4) Do not use hostile body language ( crossing arms, tapping foot, rolling eyes etc..)
5) Do not make genralities (eg. " you are always late")
I really dislike conflicts hence would always give in or avoid it totally for the sake of peace. However i have learnt that not all conflicts are bad. Most conflicts if properly resolved are "win-win situations". Giving in if i do not really want to would only create resentment. Hence i feel that we should always be honest and open in all relationships. Bring all your issues to the table so that it can be resolved.
Self esteem and Self awareness
I am doing another posting on this topic because edward commented that my blog is full of my life's philosophy which he found boring and suggested that i write something personal. Ha ha..well most of my opinions on these topics are based on personal experiences or are from what i learnt from watching others and reading self improvement books.
Do i have a high self esteem? i guess i can further improve on this aspect because i am still trying to fully understand myself and one needs to have high self awareness to have a high self esteem. I read lots of self improvement books and take countless personality tests but i still find that i still do not really understand myself. Personality tests tend to generalize people. They put the whole human race into different personality groups which one would be stuck with for your entire life. However, if everyone is unique, how can we have the exact same personality as others? But then again, this thought of individuality can be scary. In life, we always try to conform and fit in. People who are different are usually shunned and feared. Although everyone talk about embracing individuality and uniqueness, not conforming to society's standards and expectations can be problematic. After all, we are interdependent on others, no man is an island. So as we are courageous enough to be different and embrace our own uniqueness, we must bear in mind the unwritten rules of society like social etiquette and expectations. Life is a balancing act and I hope that I would one day find my unique place in this world.
I have a very complex personality. Friends tell me that i think too deep whenever I ask them questions like "what is your purpose in life?" they would say " Why do we need a purpose?" I am always searching for the meaning of life. We go through the motions of life everyday but i wonder if it is all worthwhile in the end. All the goals we are pursuing, be it academic or career, it is never ending. I feel that many people lead a very superficial life. they chase after material goods thinking that it would bring them happiness. Many people want a big house, an expensive car, conduminium..(the 5 cs) as they feel that it reflects how successful they are in life. Does all this really represent success? Why are we using these to measure sucess? Are we truly happy? I do not really like shopping. I find it quite meaningless. Soft toys collect dust, decorative items fall of the cabinet and break, you might get robbed wearing expensive jewellery..ha ha am i crazy or what?
My parents have very high expectations of me. even if i got an A for a test, they would still think that it is not good enough because i should be getting top in class. This is really demoralising, frustrating and exhausting. I could never just be myseIf but have to be what my parents want be to be. My self confidence used to fluctuate according to my successes and failures. However, i later realise that my self confidence should come from within, a trust in myself to overcome any obstacles that come my way and a faith that things would turn out fine in the end. I have also learnt to manage my parents' expectations. I tell myself that as long as i did my best, i should not feel upset if i did not meet their expectations and not allow it to affect my self esteem. I am good enough .
Having a high self esteem is important when it comes to love. I realise that the underlying cause of many relationship problems is due to low self esteem. A person who has a low self esteem would not leave an abusive partner. They feel that they cannot do without their partner, they feel insecure alone, hence put up with their partner's abusive behaviour to remain in the unhealthy relationship.
A person with a low self esteem hopes that their partner can make them complete, fulfill their dreams. this is too much a burden on his partner. It will drain the partner and exhaust the relationship. If you go into a relationship without a good self esteem, you will be dependent on your partner to help you feel good about yourself. If we felt empty before they appeared in our lives, we fear the emptiness returning if they leave, so their staying with us becomes important. That dependency can create all kinds of fear and unhappiness.
I have a friend who had a very possesive boyfriend. He would always be checking on her and thinking that she would one day lose interest in him and leave him. A person with a low self esteem thinks that he is not good enough for his partner and that he is lucky to be with her. This creates unncessary fear and anxiety in a relationship.
Do i have a high self esteem? i guess i can further improve on this aspect because i am still trying to fully understand myself and one needs to have high self awareness to have a high self esteem. I read lots of self improvement books and take countless personality tests but i still find that i still do not really understand myself. Personality tests tend to generalize people. They put the whole human race into different personality groups which one would be stuck with for your entire life. However, if everyone is unique, how can we have the exact same personality as others? But then again, this thought of individuality can be scary. In life, we always try to conform and fit in. People who are different are usually shunned and feared. Although everyone talk about embracing individuality and uniqueness, not conforming to society's standards and expectations can be problematic. After all, we are interdependent on others, no man is an island. So as we are courageous enough to be different and embrace our own uniqueness, we must bear in mind the unwritten rules of society like social etiquette and expectations. Life is a balancing act and I hope that I would one day find my unique place in this world.
I have a very complex personality. Friends tell me that i think too deep whenever I ask them questions like "what is your purpose in life?" they would say " Why do we need a purpose?" I am always searching for the meaning of life. We go through the motions of life everyday but i wonder if it is all worthwhile in the end. All the goals we are pursuing, be it academic or career, it is never ending. I feel that many people lead a very superficial life. they chase after material goods thinking that it would bring them happiness. Many people want a big house, an expensive car, conduminium..(the 5 cs) as they feel that it reflects how successful they are in life. Does all this really represent success? Why are we using these to measure sucess? Are we truly happy? I do not really like shopping. I find it quite meaningless. Soft toys collect dust, decorative items fall of the cabinet and break, you might get robbed wearing expensive jewellery..ha ha am i crazy or what?
My parents have very high expectations of me. even if i got an A for a test, they would still think that it is not good enough because i should be getting top in class. This is really demoralising, frustrating and exhausting. I could never just be myseIf but have to be what my parents want be to be. My self confidence used to fluctuate according to my successes and failures. However, i later realise that my self confidence should come from within, a trust in myself to overcome any obstacles that come my way and a faith that things would turn out fine in the end. I have also learnt to manage my parents' expectations. I tell myself that as long as i did my best, i should not feel upset if i did not meet their expectations and not allow it to affect my self esteem. I am good enough .
Having a high self esteem is important when it comes to love. I realise that the underlying cause of many relationship problems is due to low self esteem. A person who has a low self esteem would not leave an abusive partner. They feel that they cannot do without their partner, they feel insecure alone, hence put up with their partner's abusive behaviour to remain in the unhealthy relationship.
A person with a low self esteem hopes that their partner can make them complete, fulfill their dreams. this is too much a burden on his partner. It will drain the partner and exhaust the relationship. If you go into a relationship without a good self esteem, you will be dependent on your partner to help you feel good about yourself. If we felt empty before they appeared in our lives, we fear the emptiness returning if they leave, so their staying with us becomes important. That dependency can create all kinds of fear and unhappiness.
I have a friend who had a very possesive boyfriend. He would always be checking on her and thinking that she would one day lose interest in him and leave him. A person with a low self esteem thinks that he is not good enough for his partner and that he is lucky to be with her. This creates unncessary fear and anxiety in a relationship.
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